"How are you?" - the display is lit up with a message.
“Not as strong as I thought, but not as weak as they think,” I type in a joke and I understand that this is how, without realizing myself, I have outlined what is really happening to me. I really could not get along the rope of the meanness that was built up to me beautifully, keeping my composure and treating everything philosophically neutral. In some places, it sounded like a fishing vessel on a three-meter wave, but still I managed to maintain balance and even, though not painlessly for myself, destroy a couple of generally accepted stereotypes, which is always a good sign.
What do we know about meanness?
In spite of our long-suffering human share, which an adherent of truth — about despicableness, that is, harming through evil intent — 2 years ago already condemned so badly, we know very little from personal experience.
There is a great temptation to mix this concept with treachery, which, on the contrary, occurs quite often in life, and to announce the unceasing decomposition of the human spirit, but a more attentive and impartial look will show you the difference. The betrayal is based on the blindness of the egoistic nature of man — someone so eager for personal happiness, comfort and well-being, that he is ready to infringe on the interests of the closest people. Yet, at the same time, the other person is not the target of the actions of a betrayer. The motive is only its own benefit in the variety of its forms. Yes it is disgusting. And it is very painful for the injured party, but, I emphasize, there is no desire in this to cause direct harm to another being, there is only a desire for personal gain, pleasure, comfort, and vivid emotions.
Meanness is worse. It has intent towards you specifically. And immunity in such situations is completely undeveloped. Very much, we are not ready for the fact that people can consciously wish pain to another being, and not just be callous and mercantile.
I never lived in greenhouse conditions, faced problems in the children's team, and conflicts in my own family, there were some misunderstandings and even hostility at work, but it all turned out to be flowers when in one of the work teams one of the department heads I personally did not like it. As a person. Whether envy, or jealousy, or competition, or naked evil soul ...
Gossip behind his back, demonstration of neglect in the face, incitement. As in an aggressive adolescent team, with the only difference being that we were adults and occupied responsible positions. I remember how I was deliberately given the wrong information so that I was late for an important event and was not ready for the whole team. The participants of the plan frankly laughed at the sight of my bewildered eyes.
Shock paralyzed me. I had no idea that it so happens that I could neither resist, nor somehow react, nor work. I was tormented by thoughts of how this is possible and why. It seemed that my energy had blocked off, and instead of the usual fountain of actions, I squeezed the crumbs of affairs out of me, constantly making mistakes and only giving a reason for certain people to confirm their rightness.
Then I could not stand it, and six months later I was no longer in this company. Questions: "How is this possible?" and "For what?" unscrewed me from the inside. I still did not know that the answers to them can not be sought in any case.
Not to say that the second time, faced with a blow of ill will, when the facts turn inside out and mixed with blatant lies, pouring it all on personal insults both in my address and in the direction of people close to me and adding even direct threats, I was ready to the fact that people are capable of it. But this time I did not give shock to immobilize me, did not ask myself destructive questions and, under attacks on the world created by me with such difficulty, developed a set of personal rules when confronted with the dark side of human natures.
How to maintain psychological balance in the most difficult life situations?
1. Yes, baby! This is happening to you.
All of these: "For what?", "Why?" and "How can this be with me?" they take us away from inner balance to an inaccessible distance. They, like barriers, tightly close a person from reality, which says only one thing: this is happening to you. Already. It all happened.
Attempting to explain what you don’t like (you don’t aspire to explain every pleasant event, eh?), Most often a veiled denial that a person doesn’t even realize. And the denial of reality is always a loss of energy. That is the law.
These questions paralyze the will, loosen from the inside, demanding answers and forcing you to think that you must find them. Then how can you just give up. No, not from the answers. From the questions themselves. And there is no need for answers.
By accepting reality, rather than trying to shove it into understandable for us personally frames, we return our balance and get an influx of forces. We have the opportunity to interact with what is happening, and not to wander in thought forms, consoling ourselves with regular conclusions. It’s still impossible to change anything, but you can restore the energy balance due to harmony with the current moment, no matter how unpleasant it may be.
2. Nightmare on a platter
I have been using the technique of working with my main nightmare for a long time, it helps me a lot with crucial life transitions, when I need to take a decisive step that provokes a lot of fears. At such a moment, you sit back and appeal to your main nightmare. Well, what is the worst thing that can happen if you quit? Or open your own business? Or will you divorce? Or do you travel alone for six months in Asia? By the way, this year is the 10th anniversary, as I did.
Bankrupt? Loneliness? Do not get a job? Children? Lack of children? Disease?
You take the main fear of a particular situation and answer the question: what will you do with it if it happens anyway? Calmly develop a plan of action. You look at the problem at an angle: "So what?"
So I went through stories with the fact that I did not succeed in my ideas and livelihood will end or, for example, that I will never meet a congenial man and will live alone. This is the practice of a balanced meeting with your fierce fear and living it through a plan of action. After all, our heart-rending nightmare is only what we are running from and what we are afraid to allow. And here you sit down, and again you take this cherished word. You decide what you will do in this case. This practice is conducted alone, with a serious attitude and only once, so as not to accidentally go into the area of paranoia.
In a meanness situation there is always an aspect of manipulating your fears. Instead of “fighting”, proving to yourself and the attacker that you will not take you with your bare hands, just live your own fears generated by the situation. They are trying to hook you on the sick and are waiting for defensive actions, help this person - hook yourself. Get all your fears out of your belly and let it be. Decide what you will do. For each question. Alternately. Fears thaw from interacting with them.
3. Double sport. Or at least half ...
The fact that, with strong energetic energies, it is necessary to bump into sport, is a well known fact. I personally know people who didn’t let themselves go down in hourly jogs or intense yoga in situations of psychological attacks on their lives. But in my case, the increase in sports loads did not work, the body fell into such weakness that it refused even to the classical standard, which I have already quite low. After giving myself a rest, I went to the trick - I reduced my load to nominal, but began to appear in the gym as often as possible. You start not so much from sports as from mental switching, which allows you to get stronger and increase the load over time.
Such natures as I, whose pulse jumps to the limit from intense emotions and who can get a fever even from falling in love, are extremely important to “ground” their charge with physical activity. Difficult emotional situations for us are simply unsolvable in the mind, no matter how clearly we all understand and however well we reason.
I can also recommend at least 5 or 10 minutes of continuous running per day to those who are in a situation of emotional exhaustion and far from sports. We need to start somewhere. Let it be even so small, but a regular action. The strongest natures should increase the load. The task is to literally melt your pain, indignation, the very questions, aggression, anger, anxiety and fear through movement.
4. Be strong - let yourself be weak
There was an episode in my life when I intuitively, never before holding books on psychological adjustment in my hands, helped myself not to slip into the pit of depression after breaking up. I was able to otrefleksirovat hysterical condition and gave myself a day of complete, boundless grief and self-pity, promising that the next will not shed tears. And it worked.
I was 21 years old. The first long relationship, which seemed to be the love of all life and in general of all life, unexpectedly came to an end. I was suddenly told: "Everything", whereas in my picture of the world nothing this foreshadowed.
I collected things with shaking hands, trembling back home and burst into such burning tears that it pounded: "How long will I leave this?" After all, I knew friends who could not recover from the fact that they were abandoned, for months. And then I made a rather strange decision, no one suggested it to me, I never heard of it - it appeared out of thin air, and I trusted - I allowed myself not to hold back, cry, sob, lament, remember the good and remember the bad, how much strength . But only one day. With the thought that the next - it's all over. There will be a new life and new plans. I kept my word.
The days of controlled resolvability greatly help in this weakness not to hang. Do not multiply it into your everyday life, pretending that nothing is happening, and breaking off on any occasion, but give your body and emotions time for the storm, grief, fear, excitement. Splashing to the bottom, you are discharged and able to act more calmly. And you have the opportunity to gently explain to yourself that there was already time for tears, it was time to act and, loving, to win.
May the force be with you!